Pulse

It's been nearly a week since the Pulse Nightclub massacre.

I haven't spoken much about it, and have avoided posting anything on social media.

Mostly because emotions are running hot, and I didn't want to impede on anyone's grief over such a horrific act. I've seen quite a few posts about "If you're a straight ally and have stayed quite since the Orlando shooting, you're queer friends have noticed." I'm not sure that's fair, everyone processes tragedies differently. So many of my friends have gone to vigils, donated blood, donated money... I have held my daughter closer, and sat and wondered what I can do to keep her safe, and struggled to do anything that could possibly help across the country. Sure, I changed my profile picture for a few days, but really that means so little in the wake of such a tragedy.

But here in my safe place of my blog I guess its time for me to process what happened.

I have done everything in my power to avoid articles, photos, news, anything relating to the shooter. I don't want to know anything about him, I don't want to know what he looks like. The only people I want to have intimate knowledge of him are law enforcement and the students of criminal justice so that they can learn from what has occurred. I honestly cannot even tell you his name, and I can vaguely recall what he looks like from scrolling through my Facebook feed. I don't do this  to shield myself from the horror... I do it as my small act of respect for the victims, for the people who were killed in an act of terrorism.

Lets be honest- this is pretty clearly a case of domestic terrorism. American acts out in violence against fellow citizens because of an ideological difference. I've heard passingly that the man himself was gay and struggled with it- if this is true, I feel for him and wish he had been able to find peace within himself.

The political fight over this event has been heartbreaking. Accusations of homophobia, Islamaphobia, problems with gun control.... the list goes on and on.

From where I stand this act was a response to deep seeded beliefs by Islam in a man who was confused by his sexuality and felt the only way to resolve his guilt was to do as some Imams in his religion dictate- act with violence against those who do not follow his same beliefs. I will absolutely not say that all Muslims follow this belief, but much like many in Christianity, it cannot be denied that there is a deep seeded hatred for the LGBT+ community in some groups. I will not blame Islam as a whole for this. But I will, without a single doubt in my mind, blame the hatred and dissemination of violent radical ideas by certain factions within Islam.

Guns and how to handle them is such a deeply embedded and almost painful topic in this county. Neither "side" can seem to find a middle ground. Yes, it seems utterly ridiculous that someone on an FBI watch list for terrorism is able to legal attain guns, but supposedly he was cleared multiple times so as an American citizen he has his rights. I am a gun owner, I want to keep my guns, I also want my community and family to be safe. I recognize that statistically my daughter is less safe because there are firearms in our house. I recognize that my firearms will most likely not protect me in the case of intruder or violence. My firearms are for sport. While I understand wanting to carry for protection I also know that nothing escalates a situation like pulling a gun out. I don't see any reason someone should be able to own a rifle that isn't meant for sport or hunting. I don't see any reason to have an automatic weapon. I understand that others do, I get it. I get that people feel safer with a gun. I don't understand why, but they do. The average gun owner is a horrible shot, and less than safe with their firearm. My solution? If we want to keep guns as such a culturally important aspect of our society (see the Second Amendment) then we need to introduce gun safety to kids at a young age in our schools. WOAH! Guns in schools?! Not necessarily real firearms, but something kids can learn with. Kids who understand and respect firearms are less likely to use them in violent ways, and less likely to pick them up when found. By making firearms a mystery we make kids and adults curious and unsafe with them (much like alcohol and drugs, but that's another rant). I think making guns into a tool and not a weapon culturally would have a great impact on our society... would it stop the massacre? Probably not, but maybe the shooter wouldn't have been inclined to use a gun as a weapon? I don't know.... I kind of got off topic I guess, but its been weighing on my mind so I guess it works. I don't want to do "what ifs". There's no answers for "what ifs" that will satisfy anyone.

I cannot imagine the turmoil one would feel to know that the love they felt for another human was so wrong it damned them for eternity. I cannot imagine feeling the only way to repent for that love is to destroy the lives and love of so many others. I cannot imagine what this feels like.

I also cannot imagine the heartbreak, grief, and absolute devastation the families and loved ones of the victims are feeling right now. I hope I never have to know, and wish it never happened again. So many lives were taken, and so many more were destroyed. I wish only healing and love for the families who are struggling right now, and that like a phoenix from the ashes a loving and beautiful community rises to say "We will not be torn down, we will live, we will love." 

I end this post with the names of those lost in the Orlando massacre, for their names are the ones we should not forget.

Stanley Almodovar III, 23 years oldAmanda Alvear, 25 years old
Oscar A Aracena-Montero, 26 years old
Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33 years old
Antonio Davon Brown, 29 years old
Darryl Roman Burt II, 29 years old
Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28 years old
Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25 years old
Luis Daniel Conde, 39 years old
Cory James Connell, 21 years old
Tevin Eugene Crosby, 25 years old
Deonka Deidra Drayton, 32 years old
Simon Adrian Carrillo Fernandez, 31 years old
Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25 years old
Mercedez Marisol Flores, 26 years old
Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22 years old
Juan Ramon Guerrero, 22 years old
Paul Terrell Henry, 41 years old
Frank Hernandez, 27 years old
Miguel Angel Honorato, 30 years old
Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40 years old
Jason Benjamin Josaphat, 19 years old
Eddie Jamoldroy Justice, 30 years old
Anthony Luis Laureanodisla, 25 years old
Christopher Andrew Leinonen, 32 years old
Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21 years old
Brenda Lee Marquez McCool, 49 years old
Gilberto Ramon Silva Menendez, 25 years old
Kimberly Morris, 37 years old
Akyra Monet Murray, 18 years old
Luis Omar Ocasio-Capo, 20 years old
Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25 years old
Eric Ivan Ortiz-Rivera, 36 years old
Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32 years old
Jean Carlos Mendez Perez, 35 years old
Enrique L. Rios, Jr., 25 years old
Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, 27 years old
Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, 35 years old
Christopher Joseph Sanfeliz, 24 years old
Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24 years old
Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34 years old
Shane Evan Tomlinson, 33 years old
Martin Benitez Torres, 33 years old
Jonathan Antonio Camuy Vega, 24 years old
Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37 years old
Luis S. Vielma, 22 years old
Franky Jimmy Dejesus Velazquez, 50 years old
Luis Daniel Wilson-Leon, 37 years old
Jerald Arthur Wright, 31 years old