Skip over this entry if you don't want to read the details of Natalia's birth. Writing down her birth story was recommended to me by my counselor to help deal with Postpartum Depression Associated with Birth Trauma.
On Friday, February 21 my doctor decided to a do a membrane sweep to possibly kick start my labor which he estimated would begin that weekend. Between my own attempts at ripening my body for labor (using evening primrose oil, bouncing, walking) and his sweep my body decided that early on Saturday morning this show was going to start.
My parents drove out on that Saturday night and arrived at our apartment on Sunday morning when labor was finally starting to ramp up at contractions every 30 minutes. As the day progressed we moved from our third floor apartment to my parent's hotel room down the road from the hospital after a short trip to the hospital to see how I was progressing. Since 32 weeks I had been sitting at 3 cm dilation. I had moved to 4 cm and regularly contracting but wasn't progressing enough for them to keep me. We choose to crash at the hotel as not to have to traverse the three stories worth of stairs at our apartment, and it was getting icy. For hours my mother and husband took turns walking me through the halls of the hotel to help progress my labor. We also discovered that an ankle message caused my contractions to come more frequently. David got to the point that he could time my contractions nearly perfectly. I was impressed to say the least.
After dinner, and a nap we finally returned to the hospital to find out that I had progressed to 6 cm and would be staying until the baby arrived at that point. I was pretty excited to finally be in the hospital knowing that the next time I left, I was taking my little girl home with me!
I continued contracting through the evening and into the night with little problem and no urgent need for pain interventions. David was a trooper after my parents took off for the night to get a little rest. At about 3 am David was at the end of his rope and we called my mom back to take over for support. Shortly after her arrival my contractions hit a point that some pain management was needed and I was given a synthetic morphine.
What a trip... I have never felt so strange in my life. I was dizzy and felt like I was between a sleeping and awake state at all times. I still felt every contraction but the pain was dulled just enough to let me slip into sleep. I woke suddenly an hour later as the drugs wore off and told me mom, "I need to push". They tell you going into this whole experience that you will just know when you need to push so coaching isn't necessary. I didn't believe it until it actually happened. It was as if my body told my brain to just let go and let it do it's thing. So I did, much to the chagrin of the nurses who wanted me to stop pushing until the doctor arrived. There was no stopping Natalia from making her arrival. I went from 6 cm to 10 cm in an hour.
Pushing was probably the weirdest part of the whole experience- it was so animalistic and the drive to just go go go was unstoppable. The only coaching I needed to was to know how long to push during each interval. I started each push on my own, and my mother counted it out for me and cheered me on. The feeling of fullness in my pelvis was strange but not uncomfortable. Never at any time was I conscious of pain- which is crazy because I ended up with 2nd and 1st degree tears. At one point I screamed, I'm told that is when my large tear occurred, but I couldn't tell you that if you had asked me when it happened. Everything happened so quickly and so slowly- its a strange paradox. I remember everything, but couldn't tell you how the time passed.
David was rudely awoken as the nurses prepped for Natalia's imminent arrival, and was put at my bedside. He kept his head down and looked behind me the whole time. He held on to one of my legs, but wasn't really able to participate all that much because he doesn't handle blood and gore very well. I remember looking to him for encouragement, but finding none due to him trying not to pass out. Thankfully my mom was on my other side and pumped with adrenaline.
Prior to her birth I had been so afraid of delivering her- babies are oddly shaped and pushing one out of my birth canal seemed horrifying. Life was kind enough to allow me to have a baby en caul, which was more like pushing out a water balloon.
The four nurses on the floor that night all helped deliver Natalia and were quick to get her out of the amniotic sac. The gush of water as they broke the sac soaked me, the bed, and the floor. At first I didn't realize she was born in her sac so I was really really confused by the sensation of warm water on my legs and bottom. I panicked waiting to hear her cry, but when it finally came from the exam table I could have cried. I like to think I held it together pretty well considering everything. They finally put her on my chest and she peed on me. I didn't think much of it, I was just happy to have her in my arms finally. The nurses kept my legs up and apart waiting for me to deliver the placenta and for the doctor to arrive. It took him 45 minutes after Natalia's birth to arrive due to the icy conditions on the road. The pitocin I was given to help move my after birth along was incredibly painful, and every time they moved the umbilical cord gave me the eeby jeebies.
I delivered the placenta which was strangely satisfying. It was mushy and warm on my body and gave me a sensation of being done. It was as if my body finally said, "you did it, relax."
The worst part of my whole birthing experience was getting sewn back up after the doctor arrived. They took Natalia and did all her shots and tests while he sewed me up. David was there holding my hand and asked why I kept flinching, my very lady like response was "he's poking me with a huge ass needle!" Unfortunately, I wasn't numbed very well and felt every stitch. It was awful. I don't blame the doctor, it was just one of those things.
For whatever reason, my memories after that are kind of scattered. I remember snuggling my little girl, and my mom leaving to go get sleep. I remember them coming back later. I nursed Natalia on and off whenever she cried for it. We didn't have any visitors other than my coworkers that day who came in at lunch to say high really quickly. My daughter's god father and his girlfriend stopped by after work that night. Over all I can say it was a relatively pleasant first day with our daughter. The only downside was our day nurse.
Let me tell you about this crunchy granola, overly opinionated woman.... I guess I just did, she will be referred to as CGOOW from now on. She was way over the top. For me it seems unprofessional to be spouting opinions on parenting when you don't know the people you are talking to. CGOOW scolded me for asking why breastfeeding hurt so much (later we find out there is an underlying cause out of our control) and told me it was normal for the baby to marathon nurse for 2 plus hours in the middle of the night. While these seem like minor things, as a new mom every little criticism and lack of encouragement becomes multiplied ten fold by the lack of sleep, hormones fluctuations, and fear of doing something wrong. We got reprieve from her when she went off shift that evening but were unlucky enough to get CGOOW the next day. That night we had allowed the nurses to take Natalia for a few hours to allow David and I to sleep. They later brought her back and let her sleep in the swing so I could get a little more sleep. CGOOW came in and scolded me for allowing my baby to sleep in the swing... seriously?! The nurse said it was okay! Don't get on me about this! I apparently hold a lot of resentment towards CGOOW. I unfortunately see her a lot because we work in the same building, and I always have the same resentment that builds up in me. Especially since she didn't allow David or I to participate in Natalia's first bath. I'm still so angry about this. Yes, I know, "Let it go". But hear me out, Natalia's first bath was something that I was seriously looking forward to and had even told David about prior to her birth. I was too emotionally fragile to stop this pushy nurse from taking away this experience from me. I have now vowed that if I ever have another baby I will stand up for myself because CGOOW ruined my hospital experience. Maybe my resentment will fade (I hope so) but I find myself looking back at my post birth hospital experience with a lot of sadness because of CGOOW. She made me feel like a child, and not the mom I wanted to be. She put me on edge and was all around over the top. I get that she is passionate about her work and her opinions, but she should learn to step back and assess what her patients want from her, not what she can push on them.
I was so happy to escape her clutches on Tuesday morning and go home...
My mom made my going home experience wonderful and allowed me to relax and learn on my own terms how to do this mom thing. Natalia and I struggled with nursing- something that a lot of women do but no one seems to talk about. I want nothing more than to be able to nurse and nourish my baby. Unfortunately, we had some issues and after a soul shattering lactation consultation we started supplementing her with formula. We still do. She gets some formula but mostly breast milk at this point and as hard for me as it was to allow it in the end the most important thing is my baby is healthy and growing, and happy.
Overall, my experience was amazing, and exhilarating, and if I could just block CGOOW it would have almost no downfalls at all. My mom was my rock. David tried his best, and has made up for any short comings during birth by being absolutely amazing at home with the baby.
So what trauma came out of this? I didn't even realize there was any issue until the nightmares started a few days after coming home. Any time I would roll to my right side I would flash back to the first need to truly push and then it would spiral out of control from there. Never following the same track as my actual birth experience but becoming a horrible scenario of outlandish gore and pain. Sometimes the brain does weird things and misfires or rewires itself without you realizing it. These nightmares left me feeling hopeless and wondering what was wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, just wrong with my brain. Thankfully, I have amazing support and have been able to start working through these issues with the help of my doctor and husband.
On Friday, February 21 my doctor decided to a do a membrane sweep to possibly kick start my labor which he estimated would begin that weekend. Between my own attempts at ripening my body for labor (using evening primrose oil, bouncing, walking) and his sweep my body decided that early on Saturday morning this show was going to start.
My parents drove out on that Saturday night and arrived at our apartment on Sunday morning when labor was finally starting to ramp up at contractions every 30 minutes. As the day progressed we moved from our third floor apartment to my parent's hotel room down the road from the hospital after a short trip to the hospital to see how I was progressing. Since 32 weeks I had been sitting at 3 cm dilation. I had moved to 4 cm and regularly contracting but wasn't progressing enough for them to keep me. We choose to crash at the hotel as not to have to traverse the three stories worth of stairs at our apartment, and it was getting icy. For hours my mother and husband took turns walking me through the halls of the hotel to help progress my labor. We also discovered that an ankle message caused my contractions to come more frequently. David got to the point that he could time my contractions nearly perfectly. I was impressed to say the least.
After dinner, and a nap we finally returned to the hospital to find out that I had progressed to 6 cm and would be staying until the baby arrived at that point. I was pretty excited to finally be in the hospital knowing that the next time I left, I was taking my little girl home with me!
I continued contracting through the evening and into the night with little problem and no urgent need for pain interventions. David was a trooper after my parents took off for the night to get a little rest. At about 3 am David was at the end of his rope and we called my mom back to take over for support. Shortly after her arrival my contractions hit a point that some pain management was needed and I was given a synthetic morphine.
What a trip... I have never felt so strange in my life. I was dizzy and felt like I was between a sleeping and awake state at all times. I still felt every contraction but the pain was dulled just enough to let me slip into sleep. I woke suddenly an hour later as the drugs wore off and told me mom, "I need to push". They tell you going into this whole experience that you will just know when you need to push so coaching isn't necessary. I didn't believe it until it actually happened. It was as if my body told my brain to just let go and let it do it's thing. So I did, much to the chagrin of the nurses who wanted me to stop pushing until the doctor arrived. There was no stopping Natalia from making her arrival. I went from 6 cm to 10 cm in an hour.
Pushing was probably the weirdest part of the whole experience- it was so animalistic and the drive to just go go go was unstoppable. The only coaching I needed to was to know how long to push during each interval. I started each push on my own, and my mother counted it out for me and cheered me on. The feeling of fullness in my pelvis was strange but not uncomfortable. Never at any time was I conscious of pain- which is crazy because I ended up with 2nd and 1st degree tears. At one point I screamed, I'm told that is when my large tear occurred, but I couldn't tell you that if you had asked me when it happened. Everything happened so quickly and so slowly- its a strange paradox. I remember everything, but couldn't tell you how the time passed.
David was rudely awoken as the nurses prepped for Natalia's imminent arrival, and was put at my bedside. He kept his head down and looked behind me the whole time. He held on to one of my legs, but wasn't really able to participate all that much because he doesn't handle blood and gore very well. I remember looking to him for encouragement, but finding none due to him trying not to pass out. Thankfully my mom was on my other side and pumped with adrenaline.
Prior to her birth I had been so afraid of delivering her- babies are oddly shaped and pushing one out of my birth canal seemed horrifying. Life was kind enough to allow me to have a baby en caul, which was more like pushing out a water balloon.
The four nurses on the floor that night all helped deliver Natalia and were quick to get her out of the amniotic sac. The gush of water as they broke the sac soaked me, the bed, and the floor. At first I didn't realize she was born in her sac so I was really really confused by the sensation of warm water on my legs and bottom. I panicked waiting to hear her cry, but when it finally came from the exam table I could have cried. I like to think I held it together pretty well considering everything. They finally put her on my chest and she peed on me. I didn't think much of it, I was just happy to have her in my arms finally. The nurses kept my legs up and apart waiting for me to deliver the placenta and for the doctor to arrive. It took him 45 minutes after Natalia's birth to arrive due to the icy conditions on the road. The pitocin I was given to help move my after birth along was incredibly painful, and every time they moved the umbilical cord gave me the eeby jeebies.
I delivered the placenta which was strangely satisfying. It was mushy and warm on my body and gave me a sensation of being done. It was as if my body finally said, "you did it, relax."
The worst part of my whole birthing experience was getting sewn back up after the doctor arrived. They took Natalia and did all her shots and tests while he sewed me up. David was there holding my hand and asked why I kept flinching, my very lady like response was "he's poking me with a huge ass needle!" Unfortunately, I wasn't numbed very well and felt every stitch. It was awful. I don't blame the doctor, it was just one of those things.
For whatever reason, my memories after that are kind of scattered. I remember snuggling my little girl, and my mom leaving to go get sleep. I remember them coming back later. I nursed Natalia on and off whenever she cried for it. We didn't have any visitors other than my coworkers that day who came in at lunch to say high really quickly. My daughter's god father and his girlfriend stopped by after work that night. Over all I can say it was a relatively pleasant first day with our daughter. The only downside was our day nurse.
Let me tell you about this crunchy granola, overly opinionated woman.... I guess I just did, she will be referred to as CGOOW from now on. She was way over the top. For me it seems unprofessional to be spouting opinions on parenting when you don't know the people you are talking to. CGOOW scolded me for asking why breastfeeding hurt so much (later we find out there is an underlying cause out of our control) and told me it was normal for the baby to marathon nurse for 2 plus hours in the middle of the night. While these seem like minor things, as a new mom every little criticism and lack of encouragement becomes multiplied ten fold by the lack of sleep, hormones fluctuations, and fear of doing something wrong. We got reprieve from her when she went off shift that evening but were unlucky enough to get CGOOW the next day. That night we had allowed the nurses to take Natalia for a few hours to allow David and I to sleep. They later brought her back and let her sleep in the swing so I could get a little more sleep. CGOOW came in and scolded me for allowing my baby to sleep in the swing... seriously?! The nurse said it was okay! Don't get on me about this! I apparently hold a lot of resentment towards CGOOW. I unfortunately see her a lot because we work in the same building, and I always have the same resentment that builds up in me. Especially since she didn't allow David or I to participate in Natalia's first bath. I'm still so angry about this. Yes, I know, "Let it go". But hear me out, Natalia's first bath was something that I was seriously looking forward to and had even told David about prior to her birth. I was too emotionally fragile to stop this pushy nurse from taking away this experience from me. I have now vowed that if I ever have another baby I will stand up for myself because CGOOW ruined my hospital experience. Maybe my resentment will fade (I hope so) but I find myself looking back at my post birth hospital experience with a lot of sadness because of CGOOW. She made me feel like a child, and not the mom I wanted to be. She put me on edge and was all around over the top. I get that she is passionate about her work and her opinions, but she should learn to step back and assess what her patients want from her, not what she can push on them.
I was so happy to escape her clutches on Tuesday morning and go home...
My mom made my going home experience wonderful and allowed me to relax and learn on my own terms how to do this mom thing. Natalia and I struggled with nursing- something that a lot of women do but no one seems to talk about. I want nothing more than to be able to nurse and nourish my baby. Unfortunately, we had some issues and after a soul shattering lactation consultation we started supplementing her with formula. We still do. She gets some formula but mostly breast milk at this point and as hard for me as it was to allow it in the end the most important thing is my baby is healthy and growing, and happy.
Overall, my experience was amazing, and exhilarating, and if I could just block CGOOW it would have almost no downfalls at all. My mom was my rock. David tried his best, and has made up for any short comings during birth by being absolutely amazing at home with the baby.
So what trauma came out of this? I didn't even realize there was any issue until the nightmares started a few days after coming home. Any time I would roll to my right side I would flash back to the first need to truly push and then it would spiral out of control from there. Never following the same track as my actual birth experience but becoming a horrible scenario of outlandish gore and pain. Sometimes the brain does weird things and misfires or rewires itself without you realizing it. These nightmares left me feeling hopeless and wondering what was wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me, just wrong with my brain. Thankfully, I have amazing support and have been able to start working through these issues with the help of my doctor and husband.
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