No Closure for Me

Everything went back to normal so quickly after Grandma passed away... I got back to campus and no one said anything, they just seemed to hope that because I didn't say anything I was okay.

I miss my grandmother so much, and the thought that I can't call her up and see how she's doing, or even hope for a letter every once in a while... it's really hard. And unfortunately due to both my age and my isolation from my family I'm feeling well, isolated and unsure. Grandma wouldn't want me to be sad or to dwell, but I miss her so much. Knowing she's gone forever is so hard. I try not to cry, and I try to just go on, but I feel like there wasn't a chance to get closure.

Her request for no service which in her mind was a positive thing in many aspects; left a void for those of us seeking that closure. I wish there was something I could do to achieve that but as of now there isn't. Not that I know of at least. I light a candle in her memory when I start to feel really upset. Its hard for me to talk to David about it too...

Grandma was so mean to David that I feel like he has all right not to feel anything. Although he has said that he is sad she's gone, he has some good memories of her before she started to hate him. (Her reason was that he's not good enough for me... which I completely disagree with) I wanted Grandma's approval so badly before we got married someday and now that will never happen. Part of me feels like I'm letting her down, but I know from the deepest depths of my core that David is my other half.  I start to feel mad when I think about this. She hurt me so badly. I wanted her at my wedding, and I wanted her to be happy for me. Happy that I was truly happy.

For all the ups and downs I still miss my grandmother a lot. She was so important in my life and I wish she was still here. I still walk home from class and think "I should call grandma" only to be hit by the proverbial brick wall that is grief.

I'm doing better than I was, and I know that this will all pass eventually.